So I woke up this morning...
I woke up this morning with a new thought in my head: What am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with everything I learn here in Nicaragua? What am I supposed to do with the fact of knowing what life is like for people here? What am I supposed to do about the poor? the hungry? the corruption? When I go back to the states....how is this supposed to affect me? What am I supposed to take back with me? I´ve been holding tears at bay all day today thinking about this.....I don´t want to go back to the states and forget everything I have exerienced and felt and learned here.....but I know it is going to be sooooo easy to do.....it´s just that it would take SOOO much to turn this country around.....we talked in class today about how to help Nicaragua they would need education....not just schoolwise....but life wise...health wise...economically and politically.....they would need to be retaught how to live...basically.....how do you do that to a nation?
I can´t just buy food for someone on the street....or gladly hand my leftovers to the boy begging on the corner.....or buy them clothes....or take them out......that isn´t enough....that isn´t even a dent in the situation...in all reality...I don´t know if I can really do anything here.......These people have hope....if anything they have hope.......I don´t understand how...but they do.....I can´t change the government...I cant change the laws or the economic situation....I can´t fix poverty....They have hope and a lot of them have God....what is my purpose in being here? It has to be more than practicing the Spanish language.......
Why am I here.....what am I supposed to get from this? I feel so small here....I´ve had so many talks with my host mom and sister about me being American and having money and having this opportunity to study here and how they can´t afford to send my sister to study in the states and how they are struggling with money.....what am I to do with this? I can´t just give them money....my family may be richer but that doesn´t mean they don´t struggle...besides....just giving them money wouldn´t fix a thing.....there has to be something more...something I am missing or not thinking of.....I know the purpose of me being here can´t be to feel like crap about myself and the United states....but it can´t be just to be aware of and feel bad about the people here either......Is it just to open my eyes to how this world really is? the poverty the brokenness......to see how these people have so much hope in such dire conditions? If so....then what? After realizing and seeing that....what comes next?
I guess this is something I will be struggling with the three months I am here....maybe in time God will give me an answer....and maybe he won´t.....If any of you have thoughts on this...let me know....I would love input!
feeling hopeless and small,
<3Sarah
I can´t just buy food for someone on the street....or gladly hand my leftovers to the boy begging on the corner.....or buy them clothes....or take them out......that isn´t enough....that isn´t even a dent in the situation...in all reality...I don´t know if I can really do anything here.......These people have hope....if anything they have hope.......I don´t understand how...but they do.....I can´t change the government...I cant change the laws or the economic situation....I can´t fix poverty....They have hope and a lot of them have God....what is my purpose in being here? It has to be more than practicing the Spanish language.......
Why am I here.....what am I supposed to get from this? I feel so small here....I´ve had so many talks with my host mom and sister about me being American and having money and having this opportunity to study here and how they can´t afford to send my sister to study in the states and how they are struggling with money.....what am I to do with this? I can´t just give them money....my family may be richer but that doesn´t mean they don´t struggle...besides....just giving them money wouldn´t fix a thing.....there has to be something more...something I am missing or not thinking of.....I know the purpose of me being here can´t be to feel like crap about myself and the United states....but it can´t be just to be aware of and feel bad about the people here either......Is it just to open my eyes to how this world really is? the poverty the brokenness......to see how these people have so much hope in such dire conditions? If so....then what? After realizing and seeing that....what comes next?
I guess this is something I will be struggling with the three months I am here....maybe in time God will give me an answer....and maybe he won´t.....If any of you have thoughts on this...let me know....I would love input!
feeling hopeless and small,
<3Sarah
posted by Sarah @ 3:53 PM
2 Comments:
At 1:50 AM,
Brooke said…
I know you don't know me, but I ran across your blog...and I just wanted to let you know I'm in exactly the same boat you are talking about. I just got home from spending a year in Leon, Nicaragua as a missionary. and now i'm trying to figure out how to live in light of last year. my heart smiles to just read about Leon!!! The ministry I worked with was JCM, directions are Iglesia Recollecion 3 1/2 c. norte. do you know where that is??
At 4:45 PM,
Anonymous said…
My dear Sarah,
I can imagine what it is like to having these throughts running through your head. I can also see how it makes you feel powerless not know how much of a change you can really bring.
I think God is giving u the opportunity to THINK about these issues. It is such a blessing that you can be AWARE of the issues. That is a start!
I believe that God will continue to work in you and allow u to see the ways through which you can make a change. EVEN a SMALL change!!
I am so proud of you! I love that you are embracing this opportunity. In time you will see how it will change the way you see yourself and the world forever!
LOVE YA!!
-PAU
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