how is it so

how is it that everything in life can be going great...or at least seem to be.....i mean you have those few things that if you think about get you down....that you keep in the back of your mind (like for me missing being back home)....but in spite of those you can still have a blast (like for me this weekend with Ash and Meg)......life seems to be soooo good......so good in fact you actually wonder what you have over looked because it's just too good to be true........but you can't think of anything......and then all of a sudden....you fing out a little tidbit of information.....or your good news is brushed off by someone else and made to look like nothing at all....and your world comes crashing down.....and you realize it was too good to be true.......how is it that life does that....turns in the snap of a finger.......i mean would it be okay to just brush off those few downers and pretend they didn't happen? or is that being unrealistic and floating on cloud nine kinda thing??? can you leave it all in God's hand and choose to only respond to the good things?? is that okay?? is there anything wrong with that?? i mean cuz despite the few things i just found out.....i could ignore those and still be on a high from my weekend.....but would it be a true high anymore because i would be surpressing all those sad feelings???

i found a quote once that said "happiness is never stopping to think if you are"......so if that is true then it would be fine for me to still fly high on my awesome weekend.....but....is that right??

i can't go on without being repetitious....but i think i made my point.....is being happy choosing to look over the sad facts of life......leaving it in God's hands and choosing to respond to the good?? is that okay??? can i do that??

i'm trying to work on my faith walk...and in the meantime i get all of these troubles and struggles dropped on me.....but i guess if i haven't been listening to God's call he has to go and knock me over the head with a 2x4.....us thick headed humans need that sometime.....i guess he is just REALLY trying to show me that i need him......

i'm trying.....i really am...

Wondering if Wondering is my Fate...

Have you ever wondered why God has you meet certain people.......they say that everything happens for a reason.... that your life intersects with others because it was meant to at that precise moment........nothing happens in my life without God having a reason for it.......i really wish i knew that reason.........i've met so many different people....and i just want to know why....and why....if i have met so many different people...why haven't i found "him"?? or maybe i have and i don't know it....but when will i know??.....how long do i have to struggle over this....how long will i feel lonely in a room crowded with people??

i also wish i knew if i was really making a difference in this life......have i affected someones life?? have i been Christ to someone?? have i changed someone's view about something in life?? in a good or bad way? why would it really matter if i wasn't here? (dont get me wrong i'm not thinking about suicide or anything....not a chance...i'm just thinking)

if i could ask God one question....right now..right this instant and get an answer......i would ask him if i was on the right track and doing the right thing and if i wasn't on the right track what would i have to do to get there..... there are so many other things i wish i could ask....but i think that is the only one that could satisfy me in every aspect of life to some degree.....

i think that all of this that has been tumbling around in my head.....all the loneliness....all doubts.....all the fears.....i think it is part of the reconstruction going on in my faith.....i think God is trying to get through to me.....calling me back to him......i'm trying to answer.....but when life is like this it is the hardest......when i just want someone "real" there to hold me...to wipe away me tears....God is telling me to come to him.....and its hard.....but i'm working on it.....at the moment...that is the only reason i can see that i am in this situation........but i know that as time goes on...things will become clearer........

patience......patience isn't one of the fruits of the spirit by coincidence......to have patience is one of the hardest things in life......and our greatest chance to be Christ like.....