that was disturbing...

i just had the most awful dream ever.....and i have no idea where it came from....it started out that i was riding in the van with my parents....then we see someone we know on the side of the road but once mom and dad really see who it is they keep going because i guess that person had done something bad and they wanted to remember him the good way.....strange...

then after that...somehow i am now out walking on my own and coming at me is this horse drawn wagon or something......with me liking horses and since they stopped i go up to try and pet them but all of a sudden one horse breaks off and head rams me...then it continues to try and like stomp on me and pin me between it and a fence..some how i get that horse away when the other one comes at me and does the same thing.....i think they want to kill me.....finally the owner of the wagon or maybe just a passerby chases the horses off and goes to put them away......then out of no where this creepy guy comes after me (he is like smigel from LOTR but an actual normal sized human who is just white with stringy hair) he wants to kill me too!!

then from somewhere this person comes trying to save me but just as weirdly this creepy guy ends up with the unconscious daughter of the one trying to save me.........i know this is awful of me but for the one second the attention is off of me i run and jump into a nearby futuristic car (it's really weird).......the person trying to save me shows up and i ask her how to lock the doors so that man can't get in and she locks them....but then we just sit there.....and all of a sudden the creepy guy is at my door (which kinda bubbles out) trying to open this little slot that is in the top......the lady next to me puts her hand over it keeping him from opening it....

we sit like that for a bit and then i find myself giving up and just throwing myself on the ground outside the car.....i didn't care anymore.....the creepy guy could take me i just wanted it to be over.......and i had the feeling that by what i did i was gonna die

so then i wake up from my dream (really i did....someone's alarm went off) ..a life saver i though i could finally get away from it.......wrong......i fell back to sleep...

when i began "dreaming"/"nightmaring" i find myself being pushed down this long whitish tube. then i am seeing things like i am floating on the ceiling....i see my body slide out of this tube and it lands on this nasty ledge which happens to be in a sewer of some sorts.......it looks like i am dead because now i am all white as well......there are two guys here as welll...not quite as bad off as me.....one goes to check my pulse and finds that i have a very weak one........as i float there up in the corner...watching all this happen....bodies continue to slide out of the tubes (there are a couple coming out of the walls)....most of them missing the ledge and falling into the yucky sewer like water........

then i wake up and just get out of bed.....i had enough of that

someone please tell me.....where the hey does a dream like that come from......it has my mind feeling really scared and creeped out and shaky.......it will be a while before i forget that one :-( maybe my subconscious can talk myself into remembering the dream/nightmare differently....when i can for once not think about it

Luckily it is just me

wow....i haven't posted in forever.....that is kinda because i forgot how to find this blog *blush* oops but i decided to give it one last effort because i feel like talking but have no one that i really want to talk to......a lot of people i could talk to.....but none that i really want to........i wanna have a heart to heart........with someone who i know isn't too busy right now, isn't still settling into school, isn't doing homework, isn't worried about something personal of their own (at least not something really big), someone who could really listen....there isn't anyone like that around here that i know

so anyways....i decided to come here and pour it out.....

the aquinos (two of my roomies) showed me pictures from their trip back home this summer....WOW!! the places they visted are sooooo gorgeous!! it makes me long to travel even more! i can't wait to begin my journies: honduras, costa rica, spain, australia, mexico (though not oficially in the plans yet)........wow. thinking about all that though....i begin to wonder if all of that is really what God has in store for me......maybe he has different places in mind? or maybe he has different plans all together........they say that if you want to make God laugh tell him your plans........that gets me worried......i want to do this SO bad......i think i should start praying about it.....asking God to reassure my heart or take away the desire if it isn't meant to be....that sounds like a good idea......why didn't i think of that sooner.....**sigh**

there is another thing that i need to pray about.....i've felt really lonely lately....i've been trying to fill that void with other people....and it just isn't working out....i miss having someone special...you know....a significant other but i've stopped trying to search for that "significant other" and instead i'm trying to make friends to give me people to do things with.....people to hang out with.....i know that God will send the right guy at the right time and so i am trying to be content with that knowledge.....but i guess that doesn't quiet the yearning for that other someone.............maybe God is calling me to himself.......i know i haven't been the best at my relationship with him.....i've had that pointed out to me in several different ways over the past couple of weeks.....i've gotton a lot better at it.......since being at school i have felt God in a way i never have before.....it's awesome! but still in a way i am avoiding it....i'm avoiding totally commiting myself.....i need to work on that............see i don't think i'm ready for that someone special yet....and that is what God is trying to point out to me....i have other matters to settle first....especially matters with him.........i guess that should be my priority..... but it would still be nice to have someone to have a nice heart to heart with..........anyone up for coffee??