So close and yet still only in my dreams

So these last couple of nights I have been dreaming of home...the hugs and warm fuzzy feelings all coming within my reach but only in an imaginary world....only to be woken up by a baby crying and Spanish voices. The count is down to 4 days (five including today).....My level of excitement to be home is beginning to equal out with the sad feelings of having to leave. I really am going to miss being here.....my family...my house....Teddy....the daily routines I have formed....I might even miss the cold showers or the fact of being able to take cold showers and not really minding (though returning to cold temps will make me LOVE my hot showers lol).....I'll miss getting to sit with my mom and sister chatting on my bed....I'll miss the food (though I am going to be oh so thankful to get my own back I have come to enjoy the food here)......life is just going to be different...again.....one wouldn't think they would face culture shock going back to their own "world"...but you do....I remember facing it when I got back from Honduras last summer....but this time I'm facing three and a half months of being away...not 6 weeks.....I have fully established a life here.....I've learned the routines and habits of the people...I've changed myself to fit the culture and lifestyle here......going back to the states is going to be sooo weird....The reality of how much has happened to me here will hit me full force once I leave....the harder thing will be dealing with it once I'm back home and away from my 6 classmates. They are the only ones who will understand me...understand what I am going through...and they will be states away...at least for a month until I go back to school.....and as much as the people at home may try to understand...unless they have lived in a 3rd world country....they will never be able to understand.......after a while they will get tired of hearing about my stories...they will get tired of me always saying, "Oh well in Nicaragua...." or, "I remember this one time in Nicaragua"....they will sit there and pretend to listen but not really listen........it will hurt....it will be frustrating....I'm going to feel misunderstood and maybe feel like what I have gone through means nothing to anyone else.......the truth is...what I have experienced in these three and a half months...the life I have lived here....I'll never be able to put this experience into words that someone who hasn't been here would ever understand.....they won't feel what I feel in my heart and in my being when I talk of Nicaragua and my family here.....like I said in one of my papers when talking about the hope here in Nicaragua....the people back home won't understand because they haven't heard about the hope in the songs the people sing here...they haven't seen the hope in the eyes of the beggar on the street or the half naked child on the curb....they don't see it in the eyes of the people who talk about Nicaragua's history and the hope they have for its future.......people back home just won't get it..........I mean it isn't their fault....we all experience different things at different times and in different ways......all I'm trying to say is that though I am really excited to come home...it's going to be hard...in more than one way.........I remember getting back from Honduras and people would be like, "Oh how was Honduras?"...yet they only give me maybe 2 minutes of their time to talk about it....when it would have been better if they gave me 2 hours...at least to begin........it is impossible to sum up my life here into a 2 min speech....but that is what everyone wants......where would I begin? with pictures? I have around 1000.....with stories or most touching moments? which day would you want?
I am going to miss my life here....and I don't know when I'll be able to come back....but what has happened to me here will forever be a part of my life....whether I can put it into words for others or just keep it in my heart....it's there...and it will never stop being a part of who I am....like my teacher said in my last culture class....Nicaragua will never be the same because I have been here and I will never be the same since I've been in Nicaragua.......and it's so true. So I guess for now...I'll start working on my elevator speech..........

Almost the End

Soooo...as of yesterday I have only two weeks left here in Nicaragua. I'm soooo excited....but also starting to feel the sadness of leaving. Right now all I can see is the fact that I'll be getting to go home to my family...Jon....and friends....and celebrate the holidays.....I'll get to see my brother and sister-in-law from Oregon....and have a month to be with the ones I love...catch up with friends...enjoy the season.......but I know that when the day comes to leave the reality will hit me....I'll be leaving this home I've had for three and a half months.....these people who have opened their home to me...have loved me like their own.....this country I have learned about....the people with endless hope...always wishing for that light at the end of the tunnel...all the while stuck in a terrible cycle of brokenness and corruption. I will definitely be leaving a piece of my heart here in Nicaragua.......It will be interesting to see what hits me the most once I get back home....what will I miss....what will I be glad is gone......how is my life going to change because of this......I'm still searching for the answer to that question I asked a while ago....What now?.......

There isn't too much really going on here right now. This week will start the last week of classes. I have a Spanish paper due on Wednesday....another due on Thursday....a Catholic celebration this weekend...and then a paper and presentation due next week Wednesday. Lovely end of the semester activities lol.....I am dreading this Spanish paper so much....it's supposed to be eight pages....Leah, Sonya, and I don't know if we can do it. They gave us two weeks to do it...and about a three weeks notice....it started out as an 80 page paper...thank heavens we talked them down...80 pages in three weeks...I think not......anywho.....we'll see how that goes. I'm going to be writing about how Nicaraguans use songs to help preserve/maintain their culture, history, and everyday lives. They have such a way with words. My favorite song is called "Dale Una Luz". If you know Spanish you should look up the lyrics...they are beautiful.....Others are "Somos hijos del Maiz", "Maldicion de Malinche", and "Soy de un pueblo Sencillo". Check them out if you're interested :-D The story behind Malinche is also very interesting. Malinche was a name given to one of twenty women offered to Cortes when he came to the Americas. She was his mistress, his lover. She helped him translate and negotiate. There are mixed feelings about her.

Well, this paper isn't going to write itself *sigh*....I wish.....oh well...here goes! Catch you all later!

<3 Sarah

Last excursion...come and gone

This past weekend I had the lovely experience of getting to visit Costa Rica!! It was amazing!! (or as Leah likes to say A-Maaazing! hahaha). I could have stayed there for the rest of my semester...I wouldn't have minded. The days got nice and warm and sunny and then the nights got cold enough to snuggle under blankets. I loved it! We got to be tourists for one morning and go around to see some cathedrals (pics up on facebook) and visit this beautiful lookout point! Pictures don't do it justice. I could have stayed at that park all day and continually had my breath taken away by the view......anyways...
I got several people off my gift list...that was nice :D The girls (Leah and Sonya) and I..along with Matt....had fun going out at night after dinner....shopped...walked the streets...enjoyed the night life (that doesn't exist in Leon).....We had freedom once again...though we had to be back by 8 30...*sigh* oh well...better safe than sorry...
While in Costa Rica we got to visit this neighborhood where all the Nicaraguan immigrants live...they come to Costa Rica looking for a better life..a way to make money to send back to their families...it is VERY similar to Mexicans in the States...what poor conditions though....they actually have boundaries to their neighborhood...and there is hardly any mixing....there is like 5 families to one house...each gets a room....yes just a room.....to go to school the kids have to buy not only books and uniforms...but they are asked to bring chalk..toilet paper...copier paper...floor wax...everything....and if they don't bring these things they get looked down on and discriminated......so kids would rather just not go to school at all instead of showing up without these objects......most of them can't afford health care either.......the Costa Rican government has even stopped supporting non residence who have serious illness or disease...several years ago any seriously sick Nicaraguan could get support...but that was taken away from them.......we got to talk to some of the families....they had all been there for 10...15....20 years...all of them still scraping by...and most of them still holding on to hope that they would be able to go back....it left me quite pensive and quiet for the rest of the afternoon.....
I haven't been able to decide which country I would prefer to live in if I ever came back...Nicaragua or Costa Rica....I love the climate in Costa Rica and it unlike Nicaragua has a slight taste of the development of the States......you can feel both cultures while you are there...the evident Latin American culture and the newly emerging more developed North American culture.....it felt weird being able to feel both cultures pushing at each other and showing themselves in one place...and then on the other hand...Nicaraguan people are more friendly...more warm and welcoming.......Costa Rica is a very touristy place though...it is the most touristic of all the Central American countries.....Nicaragua is still underdeveloped and suppressed under their government......anyways....I loved the experience...loved the opportunity to get to compare yet another Central American country....see yet another perspective.....it was only four days but it was a fun filled and busy four days.....oooh I didn't even talk about getting INTO Costa Rica....the border is so weird here....first we have to EXIT Nicaragua...then we had to drive to the other side of the building and ENTER Costa Rica.....and then we leaving we had to do the same thing...exit Costa Rica and enter Nicaragua....weird.....the first time it took us TWO hours....the second time it was just over an hour.....the border was an experience in and of itself :-) But we realized as a group that we have such a privilege being who we are....all we need is one document to get across borders....they barely check our papers and barely check our luggage...here we were jumping between Costa Rica and Nicaragua in four days...and we had just talked to people waiting 10...15...20 years to return home.....the freedom we have because of where we were born and the life we were born into......it's a little humbling....no?

All in all it was a great experience! I put pics up on facebook! You should check them out :-D
I hope that life is finding you all well....enjoy the snow :-p......I know I'll be suffering once I get home.......enjoy the holiday spirits as they come upon us!!! Catch you all later!!

<3>

Food for thought

11-12-08

Today we had class in Managua because Monday had been declared a holiday by the president. I really enjoyed class today. The second part of it we had Carl and I can’t remember his name, come and talk to us about gangs and the work they have been doing with them. It blew my mind what these guys do….the situations they put their lives in everyday. They showed us at movie that was made by a student from Trinity while he was here for a semester. This student wanted to know the truth…he wanted to know why these people did what they do…..it was a very touching movie……and then Carl followed it up with some slideshows and stories of his own….I couldn’t believe what I was hearing….A lot of guys in this one gang really didn’t want to be trouble…they didn’t want to be looked at as robbers and theives and trouble makers…..but that was the stereotype they had to live with…..because they were in a gang that is how people looked at them….these guys wanted to change, wanted people to look at them as they would any other “normal” human being…..but they couldn’t escape their lable….but Carl and this other guy….they reach out to these gang members….they believe in them…they support them….they befriend them and treat them like normal beings….and it works! Several of the guys have already given their lives to Christ….and the community where these two work has really begun to change….just because these misplaced youth were given a chance….someone believe in them……I can’t image what it would be like to be able to touch someones life like these guys do everyday…..Carl was tearing up as he told us about it and I was tearing up too……just the hope….the light that is visible in these guys….these “trouble youth” in a gang…out to shoot and kill people while high on drugs. Yes the gang admitted doing stupid things like that….and they admitted being high on drugs while they did it and hardly remembering anything…..but so many of them wanted to change…..so many of them wanted to be seen differently….but it was and is so hard to change a stereotype…..if people are going to expect it from them…then why not just do it anyway?…..

Carl had this one picture that really hit me….like he mentioned it hit him too…..all these guys were around him wanting to see the pics he had on his camera of the group…when all of a sudden Carl looked out and saw all these eyes looking at him….eager faces…faces of hope……he turned the camera around and took the photo of all these eyes and faces…..it’s quite some photo…..to look into the eyes of these young men…to see hope…to see a future….to see everything they have been through….it’s written on their faces….you can see it in their eyes…..they have such a story…….when people think about gangs they think of trouble…of drugs….of killers….etc……yes there is this stereotype for a reason…..but when these guys look at a gang they see acceptance…they see family…they see people who got their back…people who won’t let them down…people who will help support them in times of trouble…people who will lend a hand without thinking twice…..these guys find what they can’t find in their own families…in their own homes….in their own communities….and though there are many bad gangs out there…what about the ones like this one…with guys who want to change but can’t get out of their stereotype? Guys who want to change but no one will believe in them or support them? Don’t they all deserve a chance?

I like what Carl said….in telling us about his mission he told us how they don’t go to the people already in churches…they don’t go to kids in stable homes…..they go to the rejected….the ignored…the forgotten….the ones that are too dirty and too broken for anyone else to help them…..the people that society looks at and says “ew stay away from them”…these guys go to them with arms wide open…full of love and acceptance….and give them a chance…Carl’s story really touched my heart…my soul….I was silent most of the day lost in thought…taking everything he said in….what it would be like to touch a life like that….to finally see the product of your labor….to see how you have changed a life for the better…..yes these guys put themselves into the middle of gangs…not really knowing what is going to happen day to day…..but they have God…they have faith…they have love…and they believe in giving everyone a chance….WOW….this world has so much to learn.

The end is in sight!

Hey everyone!
I don't know who follows this or what not but anyways...here's for anyone who does check it :-D

This past week has been a rough one...but I'll get to that in a minute....First let me tell you about my two weeks in Managua....they were GREAT! Leah, Sonya, and I spent two weeks doing our ESL (English as a second language...or here English as a foreign language) practicum. We spent four days of the week in classrooms of varying ages. Though I must say that my classes were a lot more hectic than a lot of classes in the states, I really enjoyed the experience! In fact so much so that Wednesdays when we don't have classes here in Leon, Leah and I go back to Managua to visit our classrooms :-)
Us three girls lived in this house called Quinta Shalom. It's sorta like a hostel but more like a guest house. We all shared a room....it was like a girls slumber party EVERY night lol.....we had some great convos...but I won't go there hahahaha! And the weather is so much better in Managua! It's a lot cooler. We enjoyed our new found freedom (after being away at college it is a little hard to be living with host families and having to answer to people again)....and I think we made more friends in those two weeks than in all of our time here in Leon....We wanted to stay sooo bad! But alas...we had to come back to life.....and once again the classes and daily answering to our families started over.

So now to this week. Monday morning I woke up with a pretty bad stomach ache...I thought it was just something wrong I had eaten the day before....but it lasted way longer than that. I was down flat in bed for two days....nauseous...dizzy and unable to eat.....I didn't sleep well and couldn't find a way to lay that didn't bother my stomach....it was pretty rough....and it made me miss home even more.....nothing like Mom when you're feeling sick...and my host mom here just doesn't cut it....as much as I love her.......

The count is down to one month and 8 days!!! WOOOHOOO.....I think everyday I get a little more homesick...I love it here but I'm just ready to be back...I miss my family and Jon so much...My family here loves me dearly but I miss being surrounded by the family and friends back home who love me just as I am.....I'm not a connection for them...they aren't with me because I can offer them anything....They're with me just because I'm me.....back home I don't get jeered at on the street...I don't get whistled at or called like a dog.....and I don't stick out like a sore thumb.....I know that is part of the culture here and it comes with the territory...but after a while it really builds up and you wish you could just be looked at for the person you are....

*sigh* anyways.....The week is almost over and boy am I ready for it to be.....next week comes Costa Rica and I'm soooooo excited!!! I'll get to be there Thurs-Sun.....that shall be fun.......I'll write more on that after I get back....we're going in order to experience/see how immigration works between the two countries and observe the relationship between people in Costa Rica and people in Nicaragua.

Well...I told my host mom that I'd be back around 6 30-7 so I guess I should get going...I'm pretty tired anyway....that illness really sucked my engery...plus I woke up early today to go to Managua and visit my classes :-D....

I hope that life is finding you all well! I miss you dearly and am counting down the days until I return home! LOVE YOU!!!

<3 Sarah

Sooo I wrote this before my vacation but never had a chance to get it up...so here it is :-D

Oct. 7, 2008

Wow,

So I haven’t written on here in a while, figured it was time to catch you all up on what has been going on :-). Two weeks ago I took a three day trip to Matagalpa, which is about four hours from where I live. It’s up in the mountains in the northern central part of Nicaragua. We visited and stayed in a town that was actually still an hour north of the actual city of Matagalpa. It was a pretty poor area. Most houses didn’t have running water or electricity…there were a lot of latrines (fancy as some of them might have been…latrines all the same). While we were there we helped this community build a community center. They had the walls and roof done so we helped them lay cement for the floor. Wheelbarrows, 5 gallon buckets, shovels (no gloves), and old fashioned cement smoothing tools…whatever you call those :-p We helped mix the cement on the ground in front of the building and then we helped them cart it in with wheelbarrows and buckets. Man, those people really know how to work! We took breaks on and off through out the day because of the heat, the altitude difference and the not being used to physical labor like this but the people from the town worked for 6-8 hours straight with only a half hour for lunch. It was quite the sight let me tell you.

The first day we were there we got luck and were rescued at lunch time. Instead of working some more we got a tour of the town. We got to visit some of the houses and meet a couple of the families. There is this organization there teaching people how to properly grow food; we got to see the methods they were using and how it was working for the people. My group (we split up into two) got an extra bargain. After visiting the last family we got to hike up this stream filled with cool water and pretty rocks and surrounded by beautiful greenery. We walked all the way up to this beautiful waterfall. I’ll see if I can figure out how to get pics up on here for you all to see :-D. One of our guides was this 60 year old woman. I think she might have been stronger than all the rest of us together. She was walking in these rubber sandals over slippery rocks and uneven ground, climbing up ahead of us and then reaching back to help us get up. And let me tell you…the hike up out of the river and back to the road was almost straight up….not kidding…..but away she went like it was nothing. What a woman!

We worked with these people for a day and a half. At the end of the second day we all stood around and said some final words and then we prayed together. These people were soooo wonderful. Though we were there a short time and had to take more breaks than them, they appreciated our work so much and were thrilled to have had us there. They said that they could see our big hearts and love for the culture and people we were working with. They were thrilled when they saw us show up ready to work…rubber boots and all lol. The words they said really touched my heart. The interesting thing that I realized, after being told that before us these people had two other teams that had visited, was that these people weren’t just building a community center, they were building community. So many hands have gone into that building, the people from the town working together and all the people who have come to help and give a piece of their time and their hearts. I don’t know, it’s just what this building stands for and how it was put together. I thought it was pretty cool.

After this trip it was back to class, homework, and the heat (the mountains were a lot cooler and fresher). Classes are still going fine….Monday’s in Managua for classes at the Nehemiah Center (in English)….then Tuesdays and Thursdays here in León for grammar and literature (in Spanish). Friday’s we have a culture class at 10 (in English). Every day we are done with class by noon…which is really really nice. My free time was spent hanging out with Leah and Sonya…going to the gym…taking a dance class….yes I started a dance class…learning a little of Salsa…Meringue…and something called Palo de Mayo. I felt like a giant in those classes. Our teacher was this short little petite Nicaraguan who has been in dance since she was like 10. Let’s just say that I don’t think my body was made to move like that lol but it was definitely a fun cultural experience.

This past weekend I had the privelege of attending something called Misa Campesina. It’s this Catholic church service put on in this small part of Managua. It was started because people wanted to bring religion to everyone, make it available to all. Not everyone has the chance to make it to the big beautiful Catholic cathedrals, so these people meet in a beautifully made and set up community center. This center offers all sorts of classes on everything from English lessons to artesian classes. There are beautiful murals on the walls done by students from the center. Murals that depict the history of Nicaragua and the struggles these people have been through.

Each and every week here is something new and exciting. I visited the house where Ruben Dario spent some of his years; he’s burried here in the Cathedral….have girl’s nights with Leah and Sonya….spend time with my family….oooh and I don’t think I’ve mentioned this yet…but I learned public transportation!!! Hahaha I can actually get to and from Central Park. That was a great day I was so excited when I actually made it home and didn’t get lost lol. I bought my first pair of high heels, experienced my first Nicaraguan baby shower, and got to see my grandparents house. This coming week is our mid semester break and we have some pretty fun plans. I’ll have to let you all know how it goes……and JON is coming to visit!!!!!! I can’t wait.

I hope that life is finding you all safe and sound. I would love to hear about what has been going on!!! Please keep all of us here in your prayers….for continued safety (it will soon be voting time here and political parties are acting up)….saftey in travels and just to be blessed and be a blessing while we are here :-)

I miss you all!

<3>

So I woke up this morning...

I woke up this morning with a new thought in my head: What am I supposed to do with this? What am I supposed to do with everything I learn here in Nicaragua? What am I supposed to do with the fact of knowing what life is like for people here? What am I supposed to do about the poor? the hungry? the corruption? When I go back to the states....how is this supposed to affect me? What am I supposed to take back with me? I´ve been holding tears at bay all day today thinking about this.....I don´t want to go back to the states and forget everything I have exerienced and felt and learned here.....but I know it is going to be sooooo easy to do.....it´s just that it would take SOOO much to turn this country around.....we talked in class today about how to help Nicaragua they would need education....not just schoolwise....but life wise...health wise...economically and politically.....they would need to be retaught how to live...basically.....how do you do that to a nation?
I can´t just buy food for someone on the street....or gladly hand my leftovers to the boy begging on the corner.....or buy them clothes....or take them out......that isn´t enough....that isn´t even a dent in the situation...in all reality...I don´t know if I can really do anything here.......These people have hope....if anything they have hope.......I don´t understand how...but they do.....I can´t change the government...I cant change the laws or the economic situation....I can´t fix poverty....They have hope and a lot of them have God....what is my purpose in being here? It has to be more than practicing the Spanish language.......

Why am I here.....what am I supposed to get from this? I feel so small here....I´ve had so many talks with my host mom and sister about me being American and having money and having this opportunity to study here and how they can´t afford to send my sister to study in the states and how they are struggling with money.....what am I to do with this? I can´t just give them money....my family may be richer but that doesn´t mean they don´t struggle...besides....just giving them money wouldn´t fix a thing.....there has to be something more...something I am missing or not thinking of.....I know the purpose of me being here can´t be to feel like crap about myself and the United states....but it can´t be just to be aware of and feel bad about the people here either......Is it just to open my eyes to how this world really is? the poverty the brokenness......to see how these people have so much hope in such dire conditions? If so....then what? After realizing and seeing that....what comes next?

I guess this is something I will be struggling with the three months I am here....maybe in time God will give me an answer....and maybe he won´t.....If any of you have thoughts on this...let me know....I would love input!

feeling hopeless and small,
<3Sarah